Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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