Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
