There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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