You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
