So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
