you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
tell me about the fingering
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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