Just fell off a train. Bad.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
