He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
