I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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