is your mom at the bar?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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