if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
