Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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