So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
