can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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