In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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