is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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