He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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