Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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