I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
