I feel great
I just peed on a car
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
