She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
