Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
