At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
