We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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