I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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