At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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