And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
