Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
