before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
