I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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