I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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