This is not my ceiling
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
