OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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