everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
