Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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