I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
