Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
