I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
