I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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