I wanna bring you to show and tell
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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