she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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