I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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