Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
