Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize