Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
