i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
