Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
where does the pee come out of this thing
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I did not marry a roomba.
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