How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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