I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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