just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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