my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
