i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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