I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize