watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
