i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
