Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
