Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
