She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
